I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. Life is a whirlwind these days! We are in full swing for fundraising efforts for our St. Jude Trike-a-Thon at school. I'm not sure how I got roped into heading it up, but this is my second year doing it and again I ask myself, why did I sign up for this?? It is a lot of work and takes me out of the classroom far too much. I had a mini breakdown today after getting 5 hours of sleep and finding out that we barely made half of what we made last year at our yard sale. I know it's not my fault and I should be grateful we made anything, but I cant help but feel like I've let people down left and right. Even though I'm the last to admit it, I've overcommitted myself once again. I think I can be superwoman and do a million things at once, all on my own, and then I end up doing a million and a half things but only half way. I've spent the past two weeks trying to juggle making plans for 100 people to raise $6,000, teaching 18 five year olds and getting them ready for kindergarten, making our graduation slideshow, working at the coffee shop two nights a week, preparing for a baby (organizing and completely rearranging our whole house practically), trying to keep up my wifely duties, maintain a social life, find time to eat and sleep, and in those rare moments, breath and bask in the love of my creator. Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) I've reached the point where I am left with disappointments and regrets and all I can do now is remember my sinfulness and my desperate need for a Savior, for someone to help me pick the broken pieces up and make it through each day. For the strength of a Father who can lovingly remind me that I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ON MY OWN. It is freeing to know i am not alone.
This baby inside of me is also a reminder of how inadequate I am. I am constantly reminded of how insignificant my role in creating this child is. Nothing I can do can make her arms grow properly, her heart beat healthily, or her lungs breath sufficiently. Sure, there are precautions I can take and certain foods I can eat to aid in her development, but at the end of the day, I am not the one knitting her together. What a miracle. It blows my mind that someone can carry a life inside them and fail to be amazed to the point of complete surrender to the Holy One who ordains each heart beat. I am so humbled.
Life has a funny way of being. It can whisk you up and like a tornado sweep you through each day without you even realizing how far you've gone. And then in the next instant, slam you down and there you are, hair askew, dirty face, panting heavily and wondering what in the world just happened. And then you look around and see the mess you've made, but beyond that, the sun continuing to rise in beauty and splendor and in the midst of the devastation and destruction, you can't help but think how blessed you are to stay and watch the brilliant sunset at the end of the day with another breath and another chance.
