PEACE OUT TOXINS!

So in an effort to spare my family of any extra "junk" this world throws at us, I have, over the course of several weeks, exchanged several of our store bought "necessities" for DIYs. So far, here is what I've made that we no longer purchase from commercial retailers:

*Hand Soap/Body Wash *Deoderant *Shampoo *Conditioner *Laundry Detergent *Fabric Softener *Multi-purpose Cleaners *Lotion/Chapstick *Facewash

Not only are we eliminating several sources of icky chemicals, but we are also saving BEAUCOUPS amounts of CASH MONEY. Win-win? I think so.

Think we're crazy? You're probably right. But we are definitely better off for it. And the plus-side? We haven't compromised anything. Our hair still shines. Our clothes still come clean. Our bodies still get clean. And our pits don't stink (in fact, they smell like chocolate ;)

Interested in joining in on all the DIY fun? Let me know! We can have a party and create all kinds of awesome, chemical-free goodies!

Some other things I've made/done to promote good health for my family:
Elderberry Syrup
Bone Broth (YUM.)
Homemade popcorn popped in unrefined coconut oil and sprinkled with nutritional yeast (DOUBLE YUM)
Juicing! (Currently on day 5 of a 10 day juice fast!)

God has really placed on my heart the need to take care of the things He has entrusted me with - myself, my husband, and my child specifically. One of the ways I can do that is to be informed about what I put into/onto our bodies and make an effort to keep them as "clean" as I can. Ignorance is no longer bliss! God requires us to be good stewards. What are you doing to take care of the life He's given you?

The Mouths of Babes

So Ada is in her crib, supposed to be sleeping, when she starts to fuss. After a few minutes and an escalation in volume and intensity, I go in to see what's wrong. As soon as she sees me, she stretches her arms towards me and says "Mommy Rock!" If this were any other time, I would assume she was telling me I rock, but since it's bedtime, I realize she is asking me to rock her, so naturally, I oblige. As soon as we snuggle in and start to rock, she lifts her head up and says "Mommy, Pray!" Even though we had already rocked and prayed, I of course did what she asked and we prayed. When we finished and before I laid her back down, I asked if she needed to potty. Her response - "Mommy No. Mommy night night. Bed!" So I kissed her face and laid her back in her crib, where she is now sleeping soundly.

Can my heart get any fuller?

One and a half years

Sweet Little Adelaide,

I can hardly believe you are a year and a half old today! It's so cliche to say how fast time has flown, but MY! How time has flown! Where did my sweet chubby little helpless baby go? You certainly let me know each day that you are no longer completely helpless! It's hard for me to organize into a simple blog post all that you are and my thoughts on the little girl you are becoming. So I guess I'll just make a list of all the things I love about you:

your beautiful, heart-stealing smile, your silly giggle, how you laugh everytime indie does ANYthing, how you love your cousins, how you give bear hugs, and eskimo kisses, and pretty much everytime you say goodnight, how tender you say "mommy" and "daddy" as though those are the most precious words you know, how you have practically potty trained yourself, making and eating popcorn with you (and how you come running as soon as you hear me start it, dragging a chair behind you so you can help turn the crank), when you sit in my lap and let me read books to you (because i know this is soooo miserable ;), your love for books, how you are learning to read the books and say some of the right words on your own, the adventurous eater you are, that you love your sleep, listening to you singing along with Violet in the mornings, singing songs with you in the car, watching you sing songs with your baby doll (and make her do the motions), that you are really only ever fussy when you're tired, that you still like to be carried in a wrap/baby carrier, that moment when we come to get you from the nursery and your face lights up and you come running, the way you say certain words ("poppy" for potty, "bebist" for breakfast, "sups" for supper, "Ikee" "yesssss"), the joy on your face when I give you a horsey ride (or any other child for that matter) - the way you rejoice with others when they are happy, how you love to rock on your rocking horse or in any rocking chair, that you LOVE to be outside, that your first sentence was "Daddy go walk" (and how much that warmed both our hearts), when you make an elephant sound, and a bear/tiger/dinosaur/lion sound, your love for grapes (and how we have to hide them from you if we want you to eat other things first), that you still let me rock you and snuggle with you occasionally, but that you can go to sleep without having to be rocked, that God gave you to us...

I could go on and on but I think you get the point ;) You are an amazing little girl and every day I get to spend with you is more treasured than the last. Thanks for playing with me and going along with some of my crazy ideas ;)

I love you little Ada-roo!
XOXO
Mommy

Eucharisteo

This past week, on the suggestion of a trusted friend and after reading the description on Amazon, I started reading the book One Thousand Gifts. It's written by a young woman (well, not too young as she has six kids!) desperate to live her life fully, free from bitterness and anger. Just that synopsis in and of itself was enough to convince me I needed to read this book. I am just to chapter four (trying to pace myself to a chapter a day so I can really take in each chapter) and I have started my own thousand gift list. I am eager to pour out my heart in thanksgiving to God, to fully embrace the full life, the joyful life, that Christ offers. I am so tired of living in myself, so wrapped up in me me me that I miss out on Him. Writing down my list, taking time to thank God for everything, requires of me more than a simple "thanks for everything". Ann Voskamp poetically describes it as this: "I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life...life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time."


It's funny, reading this book, because Sam and I, for several months now, have been, in a very small part, doing this on our own every Sunday. After long, painful trips of fighting and bickering on our way to church, we came to realize that Satan had been using Sunday morning run-out-the-door-we're-late rides to church to get inside our heads and our marriage and we were fed up. So now, on the way to church every Sunday, we are not allowed to talk about anything, we simply take turns sharing what we are thankful for in that moment. It has been amazing and revolutionary to see how that simple game, ten minutes out of our day, changes the tone of the rest of the day. I have been more free to worship God and love my husband than ever before. So I'm so excited to see how such a seemingly simple idea, one thousand gifts, will radically change my attitude, my heart focus, and the way I interact with my family.

a few graces on my list tonight:
The ticking of the clock, it keeps me sane!
indie, cuddled up at my feet, doing her best to protect me while Sam is at work
Ada's little sighs and coos, reminding me of her life and life giving joy.
the 7am hour, as that is when Sam comes home from work, when he can come cuddle with me, before Ada will wake up.

"God is not in need of magnifying by us so small, but the reverse. It's our lives that are little and we have falsely inflated self, and in thanks we decrease and the world returns right. I say thanks and I swell with Him, and I swell the world and He stirs me, joy all afoot." Xoxo

The Night I Died

In my sinful, prideful, secret cove of my heart, I don't want to put to words the things that have been swirling inside me for almost two weeks. But I feel so compelled, almost forced, to type them. As I sat rocking my sweet daughter back to sleep, the pressure inside my body and my mind physically hurt. I have to do this. Because there is too much at stake.

Let me go back to that night, two weeks ago, when death greeted me in my dark, cold, lonely bedroom.

Sam was working third shift, so I was alone in our bed, trying my best to sleep with the pillows as a makeshift big spoon. I had finally dozed off and my mind began its nightly ritual of entertaining me from within. I was in some kind of a field/factory/ruin, surrounded by strangers, family, friends, and acquaintances. We were doing some kind of physical labor, but not necessarily disheartened about it. There was a sense of comraderie and familiarity between us all, and the mood was light. In an instant, a medium-sized piece of shrapnel blazed to the earth before us and collided with the earth in a shattering BOOM. As in any good action movie, I watched dirt and debris fly out from the spot and people jump for cover. When the moment passed, those of us unharmed stood to survey the damage - several people hurt, fewer dead. What had happened? I remember feeling (in my dream) confused and yet also relieved - life would go on. But just as I was about to return to my work, another larger piece of shrapnel rocketed through the sky and before it landed, I dropped to the ground, covered my head in my arms, and shut my eyes as tight as I could. It was in that instant that I teetered between wakefulness and this dream-turned-nightmare. In real life, I was also clenching my eyes shut. I remember thinking, no, hoping, that I would continue towards being awake. But I remained in that middle zone, watching my dream finish even while my mind was aware that I was no longer in that field. Usually, in a dream like this, I wake up right in the nick of time - right before something terrible and terminal happens. Not so in this dream. I was forced to watch myself be killed, and then approach the gates of heaven. I heard, in the most terrifying and awful voice, the words "Depart from me, I never knew you." And then BAM. I was awake. And bawling. I could not get a hold of myself. Did I really just watch myself be rejected from the court of my King?

Since that night, I have tried (sometimes consciously, othertimes without even realizing I was doing it) to put the dream out of my memory. It was just a dream, right? But no, it feels like more than just a dream. Something deep within me knows that it is more than just a dream. I have imagined what it would be like to tell someone about my dream, what their reactions might be. Maybe you might try to convince me that I was crazy and that God loves me and because I go to church or confess Christ as my savior I have nothing to worry about. Maybe you would be right. Maybe you might tell me I am right. That I should drop to my knees and do whatever it takes to make sure I will be welcomed into heaven. Maybe you would also be right. Or maybe I need to stop thinking about what *you* would say and start dwelling on what God would tell me.

I have gone to church my whole life. I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't involved in some kind of service project or ministry. From working in the church nursery, to leading Young Life, to praying with my daughter at night, my life has always revolved around some aspect of my faith. But is it enough?

I am really good at answering questions in a way that will please others. What I mean is, I have become a pro at being honest without being vulnerable. Yeah, I struggle in my faith, but everyone does at some point. Yeah, I sin, but God is gracious and forgiving. But is it enough?

I wish I could say that since my dream, my life has been radically different. That I pray unceasingly and volunteer all my free time. That I have started to care about Christ more than I care about myself and what others think of me.
But that would be a lie.

So that is why I need to write this blog. Because I need to confess to all the *yous* out there, that I have failed. I am a liar. A fraud. A hypocrite. I am lazy, selfish, and prideful. God is not the center of my life, of my heart, or of my mind. And I am on the road to death

But I am desperate to change. I am committing, here and now, to devote my waking hour to the studying of scripture, and to listening to the voice of God. I know it's so little to offer a God who is so Great. But I'm afraid if I try to do more, I will fail even worse. So I am trusting that God will go before me and convict me along the way to offer more and more until I am finally a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to Him.


Pray with me


Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

My precious, sweet Adelaide, As you sleep peacefully in the other room, I can't push aside this nagging in my heart to write to you. Lately I have come face to face with the realization that you won't always be a little baby. Someday you will grow up and have sleepovers. You will get bigger and do algebra. You'll grow in stature, yes, but also in hurts, in failures, in loves, in successes, in years, (in miles in laughter in strife, in...) I won't always get to swing you up in my arms or give you raspberries on your belly or chase you through the living room. Every day is testimony to this one bittersweet fact: each day you are a day older. A day closer to being an independent young woman. Most of the time, it feels like forever away. But God has been quietly, intensely reminding me that one day, you'll be gone. I and your daddy have been entrusted with your life for a very brief period of time. And baby girl, I can't express to you how badly I don't want to miss out on that time. I don't want to ever look back on any moment of your life with regret. Too many things demand my attention, shout to me that they are more important. But sweet baby, at the end of the day NONE OF IT MATTERS. I'm not gonna care that the dishes were washed when I'm watching you walk out the door on your last day of high school. I'm not going to care that my facebook was updated as you put the finishing touches on your prom outfit. I'm not going to care that the floors were vaccuumed as you walk down the aisle on your last day as a (in name) Banfield. Those things will be of NO significance. So here I am this evening, promising you that I will begin praying now for a new agenda - new priorities in life. I want to be a Godly role model to you. I want you to know that I struggle each day, but that God is sovereign in my life and in my heart. I want you to believe that you can tell me anything, and that at the end of the day, NO MATTER WHAT, I will keep on loving you. In 10 minutes, when you're leaving me to go to college (at least I'm sure that's how fast it will feel)I hope we share a hug that is full of memories, of knowing that we took full advantage of our time spent together. I look forward to sharing tears, laughs, hurts, frustrations, joys, and everything in between with you. Even now, as your precious little sighs of pleasant dreams fill the air between us, I want to wrap you up and force you to stay little. But I can't do that. No matter what happens between now and then, I will seek to live in the moment, to love you as best I can through Christ, while at the same time, allowing you to grow and mature in your role as His precious and wise Princess. As God has been working in my heart and constantly reminding me: He takes care of the lilies of the fields and the birds of the air. I do not need to worry about tomorrow, about whether or not I will have "succeeded" as your mother. We may have a thousand tomorrows, or we may not have anymore tomorrows. Either way, God is enough, and He will work all things together for our good. I love you little bugaboo. You are going to change the world with your sweet spirit and tender love for others. I have no doubts- my God will be your God. Trust Him with your heart and let him lead you on an eternal journey, one full of adventure and joy and fullness. And all the while, Daddy and I will be on the sideline, praying for you, rooting for you, and soaking up every moment that God keeps our journeys as one. Sleep for now, for when you wake, I know you will move mountains. With an everlasting love, your mama

14 months of J.O.Y.

So my sweet little Adelaide is growing up and learning more everyday. I hate that I haven't kept up with this more regularly, because already I am having a hard time remembering things I thought I'd never forget. Like, what it was like to have a baby that I could lay on the bed and know that if I walked away for a second and came back, she would be exactly where I laid her. People told us, and continue to tell us, and will probably keep telling us for years, that time flies and to cherish every moment. Well guess what - time IS flying. Gone are the days of 45 minute nursing sessions, middle of the night cry fests -for now anyway- (I won't say who did the crying), bottles, baths in the sink, peaceful diaper changes, and late night hangouts whenever we felt like (because baby would sleep anywhere). I know that to everything there is a season, and we are just in a new season and that just as quickly as the last season ended, this season will too. So I will continue to marvel at the changes in Adelaide, endure the hard times, and savor the sweet little things. The other day, Sam and I were jokingly wondering how we ever entertained ourselves before Ada. She is constantly making us laugh, amazing us, and surprising us. On most days, she will light up any room with her awesome, face-covering smile (seriously, i LOVE that her smile takes up her whole face) and we still can't figure out where she thinks of some of the silly things she does (we are the most serious people ever and we never do crazy things...) She has such a joy for life and I don't think a single day has passed where she hasn't giggled at least half of it. She loves to play with Indigo(much to Indie's chagrin), she LOVES to be outside (talk about meltdown city when we make her come in!) and she loves loves LOVES to read books (she even knows the right way to hold them and will turn them around if they are upside-down) Recently, we've been working with Ada on being able to point to (and eventually name) different body parts. Here are some she has mastered:
EAR

BELLY BUTTON (probably her most fave)

NOSE

MOUTH

HAIR

She also knows eyes, teeth, tongue, toes, fingers, and cheeks (but she really didn't want me taking pictures anymore either time I tried.) ((here's proof...))

Putting the lens cap back on the camera

and then she clapped for herself. Little booger!

Some words she can say (without prompting or repeating): Please, Down, Done, Dog, woof!, shoe, go, bye, yeah Can I just say I am incredibly thankful to God for the gift of such a happy, smart, beautiful, loving baby? She is great. Must get it from her daddy... ;)

Kisses! MUAH.