Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

My precious, sweet Adelaide, As you sleep peacefully in the other room, I can't push aside this nagging in my heart to write to you. Lately I have come face to face with the realization that you won't always be a little baby. Someday you will grow up and have sleepovers. You will get bigger and do algebra. You'll grow in stature, yes, but also in hurts, in failures, in loves, in successes, in years, (in miles in laughter in strife, in...) I won't always get to swing you up in my arms or give you raspberries on your belly or chase you through the living room. Every day is testimony to this one bittersweet fact: each day you are a day older. A day closer to being an independent young woman. Most of the time, it feels like forever away. But God has been quietly, intensely reminding me that one day, you'll be gone. I and your daddy have been entrusted with your life for a very brief period of time. And baby girl, I can't express to you how badly I don't want to miss out on that time. I don't want to ever look back on any moment of your life with regret. Too many things demand my attention, shout to me that they are more important. But sweet baby, at the end of the day NONE OF IT MATTERS. I'm not gonna care that the dishes were washed when I'm watching you walk out the door on your last day of high school. I'm not going to care that my facebook was updated as you put the finishing touches on your prom outfit. I'm not going to care that the floors were vaccuumed as you walk down the aisle on your last day as a (in name) Banfield. Those things will be of NO significance. So here I am this evening, promising you that I will begin praying now for a new agenda - new priorities in life. I want to be a Godly role model to you. I want you to know that I struggle each day, but that God is sovereign in my life and in my heart. I want you to believe that you can tell me anything, and that at the end of the day, NO MATTER WHAT, I will keep on loving you. In 10 minutes, when you're leaving me to go to college (at least I'm sure that's how fast it will feel)I hope we share a hug that is full of memories, of knowing that we took full advantage of our time spent together. I look forward to sharing tears, laughs, hurts, frustrations, joys, and everything in between with you. Even now, as your precious little sighs of pleasant dreams fill the air between us, I want to wrap you up and force you to stay little. But I can't do that. No matter what happens between now and then, I will seek to live in the moment, to love you as best I can through Christ, while at the same time, allowing you to grow and mature in your role as His precious and wise Princess. As God has been working in my heart and constantly reminding me: He takes care of the lilies of the fields and the birds of the air. I do not need to worry about tomorrow, about whether or not I will have "succeeded" as your mother. We may have a thousand tomorrows, or we may not have anymore tomorrows. Either way, God is enough, and He will work all things together for our good. I love you little bugaboo. You are going to change the world with your sweet spirit and tender love for others. I have no doubts- my God will be your God. Trust Him with your heart and let him lead you on an eternal journey, one full of adventure and joy and fullness. And all the while, Daddy and I will be on the sideline, praying for you, rooting for you, and soaking up every moment that God keeps our journeys as one. Sleep for now, for when you wake, I know you will move mountains. With an everlasting love, your mama

14 months of J.O.Y.

So my sweet little Adelaide is growing up and learning more everyday. I hate that I haven't kept up with this more regularly, because already I am having a hard time remembering things I thought I'd never forget. Like, what it was like to have a baby that I could lay on the bed and know that if I walked away for a second and came back, she would be exactly where I laid her. People told us, and continue to tell us, and will probably keep telling us for years, that time flies and to cherish every moment. Well guess what - time IS flying. Gone are the days of 45 minute nursing sessions, middle of the night cry fests -for now anyway- (I won't say who did the crying), bottles, baths in the sink, peaceful diaper changes, and late night hangouts whenever we felt like (because baby would sleep anywhere). I know that to everything there is a season, and we are just in a new season and that just as quickly as the last season ended, this season will too. So I will continue to marvel at the changes in Adelaide, endure the hard times, and savor the sweet little things. The other day, Sam and I were jokingly wondering how we ever entertained ourselves before Ada. She is constantly making us laugh, amazing us, and surprising us. On most days, she will light up any room with her awesome, face-covering smile (seriously, i LOVE that her smile takes up her whole face) and we still can't figure out where she thinks of some of the silly things she does (we are the most serious people ever and we never do crazy things...) She has such a joy for life and I don't think a single day has passed where she hasn't giggled at least half of it. She loves to play with Indigo(much to Indie's chagrin), she LOVES to be outside (talk about meltdown city when we make her come in!) and she loves loves LOVES to read books (she even knows the right way to hold them and will turn them around if they are upside-down) Recently, we've been working with Ada on being able to point to (and eventually name) different body parts. Here are some she has mastered:
EAR

BELLY BUTTON (probably her most fave)

NOSE

MOUTH

HAIR

She also knows eyes, teeth, tongue, toes, fingers, and cheeks (but she really didn't want me taking pictures anymore either time I tried.) ((here's proof...))

Putting the lens cap back on the camera

and then she clapped for herself. Little booger!

Some words she can say (without prompting or repeating): Please, Down, Done, Dog, woof!, shoe, go, bye, yeah Can I just say I am incredibly thankful to God for the gift of such a happy, smart, beautiful, loving baby? She is great. Must get it from her daddy... ;)

Kisses! MUAH.

Pride

"As he walked, he prayed. With each step he felt gradually lighter, like a man carrying a heavy pack through a desert who decides what he once thought essential no longer is, and begins to cast aside his burden, piece by piece." Things I once thought essential but no longer are (aka burdens): Perfection Superiority Selfishness This is a working list. I am still in the middle of the desert, learning what things are worth carrying through the fires. Hard to learn when you keep telling yourself you are strong enough to carry them all. Like a dog returning to its vomit, I am.

My Mustard Seed.

You ever have one of those days where you just have to write down the events that took place? Today was one of those days. One of those days I know I’ll never forget. I won’t go into detail for the sake of keeping SOME part of my life a mystery. But I’ll say that it has been one of those days where God breaks you into a million pieces, then shows you the ugliness within the broken pieces, then leaves you begging to be broken into a million more. I spent most of the day struggling between wanting to rejoice in my own selfishness and celebrate a loved one’s sorrows. What kind of person have I become?? Not one that I’d ever want to be friends with. Here I am, struggling because I am longing for depth and substance in my relationships, yet my own heart lacks depth and compassion. I was brought to the verse in Psalms where the Psalmist is beseeching God to create in Him a clean heart. I want that. I want God to do that for me. But my heart is so hard and my spirit so poisoned that I was even struggling to find within me an ounce of genuine desire to be able to pray that prayer. Who have I become? This is not the person I imagined myself being 5 years ago. And yet, here I am. Ugly, selfish, prideful. Wanting God to break me a hundred times more, yet not really wanting anything to do with God, all at the same time. And as I’m on my knees before my husband, hiding my depravity behind humor and sarcasm, the song “Love is not a fight” comes on my Pandora station. Oh God, you care. How you care for me… I am weeping. I’ve tried so hard all day to laugh and bury my feelings of disgust in myself deep within my blackened heart. But God is steadfast in His love. He does not want to leave me this way. As hard as I fight him, it takes but one song to break me. As I weep at the feet of the man I love most on this earth, Warren Barfield singing in the background, I am wrapped up in the love my Savior lavishes upon me. In these approximately 4 minutes, my heart floods with all those things I thought had long been snuffed out. My husband embracing me, my puppy licking me, and my daughter fighting to get near to my heart, a girl can’t ask for more. There’s so much in this world that begs for our pursuit. Some of it even seems righteous. But when we leave behind the God of it all, we leave behind everything. And that is as transparently vague as I can possibly be. Christ have mercy, mea culpa.

Writings of a Rambler

I know I've been writing these in a letter format to Ada, but today, I need to just write.

I can't believe it's only been 2 months since I last posted. With all that's happened, it feels like years! It's so amazing how much one little baby can change in such a short amount of time. She is growing into such a beautiful small child. Since my last post, she's mastered sitting up (and can almost go from lying down to sitting up on her own) and gets into EVERYTHING. She doesn't seem to be interested in crawling, probably because rolling and scooting is a lot more fun? Some of her favorite things to play with include already chewed dog toys (YUCK ADELAIDE!), cell phones (her favorite flavor seems to be purple), princesses, plasticized versions of the animals from noah's ark (specifically the giraffes), and Indie's ears (though of all the above, these are the hardest to come by). We've been slowly introducing solids (and I mean it when I say slowly - I dread the day she is eating enough solids to cut out a feeding because the times she nurses are the times I get to spend with her at work) Depending on our mood, she either gets pureed food (homemade with my awesome Baby Brezza, thanks mama!), steamed finger foods, or a combination of the two. We have yet to witness an aversion to anything - this girl is definitely a Banfield. She loves to eat. And I mean LOVES to eat. Just putting her in her highchair can stop the highest level of scream (we can talk "levels of scream" later...) We keep trying to find foods she won't like, or will at least have a strong reaction to, but she mostly just smiles when we give her something to put in her mouth. (even straight up lemon received smiles and reaching for more!) But I love it. It is so much fun to watch her eat. (Who knew it could be so entertaining to watch a baby chew??) And a couple of weeks ago, she sprouted two of the cutest little teeth you ever did see, so now we've entered a whole new world of chewing, one that no longer includes the occasional offer of my finger to chew on - ouch!
(Speaking of chewing, she just found the dog's half chewed bone again! I am really starting to think she's made some kind of deal with Indigo...) She is living up to our nickname for her - Ada Roo - because anytime her feet are dangling, they are kicking. Sam says she can be a swimmer one day but she has to wear a full body wet suit. ;) I'm pulling for her to be a soccer player, simply for nostalgia's sake (shout out to my long lost bff Whitney, if you ever read this!)


Since becoming a mom, I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be the same again. I know this is cliche and sort of a no-brainer, but let me explain. To start out, there's the obvious fact that my body will never be the same again. Which is, you know, par for the course. But my hormones? When do those go back to normal? I really think I could be the spokesperson for Emotional Rollercoaster Inc. I mean, who gets mad about their husband helping to cook dinner and then in the next breath is laughing uncontrollably at almost nothing? Someone please tell me this will end! Aside from the obvious though, there's the constant worry that something is wrong (is that sweet potato or a cancerous tumor?!) and the struggle to maintain any sort of normal conversation that doesn't revolve around poop or sleep schedules. But like I said, I've come to terms with it all because, well, my daughter is the best thing since peanut butter on sliced bread topped with bananas and honey and broiled. Just sitting here listening to her squeals and babbles and raspberries makes me forget how I used to be and love how things are.

Speaking of how things are, why is it so hard to stop looking at the neighbor's yard? What I mean is, why does the grass always look greener? I can't help but long for the lives of those around me. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my family and our life here in NC. But there are things I miss about my life in TN - specifically PEOPLE I miss. I miss having a place where I was being fed, and a place where I could pour into others. Not only that, I find myself more and more struggling with the desire to be a SAHM. (look it up ;) I mourn every moment I have to be away from Ada. I absolutely LOVE my job, but I daydream about all that I could be doing with my own baby girl. Sam and I finally got to the point where we figured out I could finish out the school year with my kids and then stay home in June. So I started my countdown. But it seems with each day is a new obstacle, a new reason to keep me from quitting. Sometimes it's a superficial reason - if I keep working, I can keep buying Ada cute shoes (and oh my gosh baby shoes are the CUTEST). But other times they are legitimate reasons. And other times it's my own struggle with feeling like I'm letting someone down. If I quit my job, I feel like I'll be letting my coworkers and the kids down. And even my family. Then there's the whole problem of me loving my job - I will really really miss it. I'll miss the people, the kids, the excitement of seeing a kid learn something new. I'll miss the interaction. The parties! The funny stories. But will I miss it enough to sacrifice time with my own daughter? I don't know. And of course there's the financial struggle. I know we can do without, and I know it will be worth it. But what if...? I spend too much of my time and mind on weighing all my options. Why can't it be easy? I'm afraid if I make the wrong decision, it will ruin everything. I wish I could trust God like he deserves to be trusted. Pray for me? For us? I know the answer seems obvious - that Ada is worth it all. But is that God's will or is it my will? Or both? I don't know...

Here's what I do know:

My daughter is the cutest. You can think differently, but I know she is ;)

How can you not love this face??!

Time after Time

My Sweet Adelaide,

We have been having too much fun, which must be why time is FLYING by! Happy 5 month birthday!(well, 5 months and 4 days now!) The past couple months have seen a lot of growth and you are starting to show more and more personality. Since I posted last, you've had your 4 month check up which included 2 more shots and a vaccine by mouth (yuck, sorry!). The doctor was very pleased with your progress (15lbs 3oz, 25 inches long) and you are hitting milestones like nobody's business. Last week, we had to take you to the doc again because you started running a fever and gunk was coming out your eye faster than we could clean it (makes for some crusty morning eyes!) The crazy doctor prescribed you amoxicillin, which until last night I held off on giving to you because I hoped your body would fight the infection on its own (it did a darn good job, just wore you out and we finally decided to give your body some rest and help it out a little) Right now you are sleeping soundly in your crib while shaneandshane pandora station sings sweetly through your dreams :) On the night before you turned 5 months, you wowed us by sitting completely unsupported for several minutes, and even with a few sways and near-falls, you were able to catch yourself and push yourself back up. Good work!! You can roll all over the place and are starting to get frustrated enough that I believe you will be crawling really soon! We are so proud of you and everyday is so much fun! You are such a happy baby and lately your sweet giggles have transformed even the worst of moods. Today daddy and I have both been fighting headaches, but when you're around, they don't seem so bad (even when you are screeching/stretching your vocal chords and figuring out all the sounds you can make) Indie and you are becoming buddies and we love watching your face light up everytime she comes near you (and seeing you search for her when she leaves) Ah, sweet girl, you make my heart burst. I can't wait until you wake up and share your precious smile with us again. Until then, sweetest of dreams. Your mommy and daddy think the world of you.