On this day, 356 days ago...

Little Liza Jane,

Happy first birthday! I canNOT believe a year has already come and gone since we first held you in our arms. What an adventure you have been! In honor of your birthday, and the fact that I haven't blogged since 2013, I am going to use this opportunity to reflect on the journey we started on 2 years ago when we began hoping and praying for you.

We started aching for another baby about the time your sister turned 2, but it was almost a year before you were made known to us. I can remember exactly how it happened, how we found out about you - We were in Spokane for your Great-Grandpa Blodgett's celebration of life. I had been keeping track of my monthly cycles very meticulously, but somehow that month (I guess with all the craziness of traveling and what not) I got off by a week, and didn't realize it until I was already a week late. I mentioned this to your daddy while we were riding the gondolas over the Spokane Falls and we began praying that it meant I was pregnant. At that time, we were staying out at Stoneridge Resort, and didn't want to raise suspicions among the rest of the family, so we waited to buy a pregnancy test until the next morning on our way back into town (everything was closed the night before by the time we had a chance to stop). The next morning we had plans to spend the day with Great Grandma Barbara at her place, and we agreed that I would take the test while we were there. Almost as soon as I took the test, it came out positive. I can't even begin to explain the excitement we felt! We shared the news with Grandma and Aunt Jill, but made them promise not to tell anyone else until we figured out how and when we wanted to tell them.

My pregnancy with you was pretty ordinary. I stayed sick from about week 6 until week 14. Around week 9, we flew up north to see my side of the family (and so I could run a 5k with BobPop!) and that's when we told everyone there. The whole first part of the pregnancy I was hoping and certain that you were a girl. I wanted Ada to have a little sister (plus we had all of Ada's old clothes and they were SO cute, I wanted to get to use them again!) But then I started trying to prepare for a boy, because I didn't want to be disappointed. Up until we found out you were a girl, I was expecting a little boy. The surprise and joy I felt when you were born and the doctor said you were a girl - I was THRILLED. (and since then have LOVED having 2 little girls. You were the most perfect addition to our family!)

On the day you were born, I woke up around 4am with my first contractions. They were pretty mild, but something in me caused a sense of urgency and I began preparations for your arrival in all the most important ways - I dusted the fan, baked cookies, took a shower, cleaned the house, and got us all ready for church. I casually mentioned to Daddy that I was having contractions but they were no big deal. (I didn't want him to worry or make us go to the hospital too early!) All throughout church and Sunday School, I was having pretty regular contractions but still mild enough that I could hide them from everyone. After church we came home and I got everything together and put in the car and made sure everything was squared away for Ada to be able to spend the night somewhere. We had already made plans to go to Aunt Tamara's house that afternoon for a house party and my contractions were still very manageable, so we went ahead and headed to her house. While we were there, they started to get a little stronger and I was having to focus more on breathing and staying relaxed through them. Around 4:45, I told Daddy we should probably head to the hospital. It was a such a blessing to have been with all the Banfield clan at that point because all the women laid hands on me and prayed for you and me and your delivery. What a gift! It also made things really easy with Ada because we could just leave her there and know she was in great hands. On the way to the hospital, we called my parents and let them know you were coming and they immediately changed plans, hopped in the car, and started the long drive to come meet you. We also had to make a stop by home because we had forgotten the cookies for the hospital staff and Daddy wanted to get his guitar (I had teased him previously and told him that he had to play and sing for me while I was in labor) While Daddy was inside getting them, my contractions shifted from being strong but manageable to being intense and almost unbearable. Daddy jokes that when he got back in the car was when he went into emergency mode and put the pedal to the metal because I was gripping the seatbelt and much more serious looking. The ride to the hospital was pretty intense, but Daddy did a great job getting us there in record time. It was about 6:00 when we pulled into the parking lot and went to check in. The lady at the ER desk (since it was a Sunday we had to go through the ER) was trying to get me all checked in but I was having contractions about every 2 minutes and couldn't talk through them anymore. At one point I remember asking her if I could just please take my skirt and leggings off because they were VERY uncomfortable. (Thankfully she said no!) A few minutes later some nurses came to wheel me up to triage, but about half way there they called over their walkie talkies for the other nurses to skip the triage and prep the delivery room because my contractions were coming so quick. By the time I got into the delivery room and changed into the hospital gown, it was about 6:15. I had told Daddy on the way there that I would feel like I'd succeeded if I was 8cm dilated, so when Dr. Lampley came in to check me and then asked if I was ready to push, I was very confused! He chuckled and said I was already fully dilated and could start pushing and that he would go ahead and break my water. I panicked and told him I didn't want my water broken and the nurses laughed, saying that if it didn't get broken beforehand that was fine, but that it may end up spraying all over the Doctor. I told them that was fine, let's do that right as my water broke all on its own. I pushed a couple times and at 6:22pm you were born! They placed you directly on my chest and you opened your eyes right away and just stared at me for the next 30 minutes. We were absolutely and completely in love. My labor and delivery with you was so quick and just how I had hoped it would be. I didn't have to have any kind of intervention and I didn't even have to have an IV! (Unfortunately though, I passed out a couple hours later due to low fluid so they had to put an IV in to pump me back up with fluid)

It is so hard to believe that all that happened a whole year ago! Our lives are so much richer now that you are a part of our family. We love SO much about you - your sweet hugs and kisses, your adventurous spirit, your wild antics, your quirky sense of humor, your love and admiration for Ada, your nighttime snuggles, your independent nature, when you sympathize with your sister, your love of baths and rocking horses... You are amazing. Even though I am sad that you are growing up and would love to keep you this size for a few more years, I am looking forward to watching you grow and seeing your personality develop and mature over the next year and coming years.

We love you so much little bumblebee. You really are sweet as can be!!

PEACE OUT TOXINS!

So in an effort to spare my family of any extra "junk" this world throws at us, I have, over the course of several weeks, exchanged several of our store bought "necessities" for DIYs. So far, here is what I've made that we no longer purchase from commercial retailers:

*Hand Soap/Body Wash *Deoderant *Shampoo *Conditioner *Laundry Detergent *Fabric Softener *Multi-purpose Cleaners *Lotion/Chapstick *Facewash

Not only are we eliminating several sources of icky chemicals, but we are also saving BEAUCOUPS amounts of CASH MONEY. Win-win? I think so.

Think we're crazy? You're probably right. But we are definitely better off for it. And the plus-side? We haven't compromised anything. Our hair still shines. Our clothes still come clean. Our bodies still get clean. And our pits don't stink (in fact, they smell like chocolate ;)

Interested in joining in on all the DIY fun? Let me know! We can have a party and create all kinds of awesome, chemical-free goodies!

Some other things I've made/done to promote good health for my family:
Elderberry Syrup
Bone Broth (YUM.)
Homemade popcorn popped in unrefined coconut oil and sprinkled with nutritional yeast (DOUBLE YUM)
Juicing! (Currently on day 5 of a 10 day juice fast!)

God has really placed on my heart the need to take care of the things He has entrusted me with - myself, my husband, and my child specifically. One of the ways I can do that is to be informed about what I put into/onto our bodies and make an effort to keep them as "clean" as I can. Ignorance is no longer bliss! God requires us to be good stewards. What are you doing to take care of the life He's given you?

The Mouths of Babes

So Ada is in her crib, supposed to be sleeping, when she starts to fuss. After a few minutes and an escalation in volume and intensity, I go in to see what's wrong. As soon as she sees me, she stretches her arms towards me and says "Mommy Rock!" If this were any other time, I would assume she was telling me I rock, but since it's bedtime, I realize she is asking me to rock her, so naturally, I oblige. As soon as we snuggle in and start to rock, she lifts her head up and says "Mommy, Pray!" Even though we had already rocked and prayed, I of course did what she asked and we prayed. When we finished and before I laid her back down, I asked if she needed to potty. Her response - "Mommy No. Mommy night night. Bed!" So I kissed her face and laid her back in her crib, where she is now sleeping soundly.

Can my heart get any fuller?

One and a half years

Sweet Little Adelaide,

I can hardly believe you are a year and a half old today! It's so cliche to say how fast time has flown, but MY! How time has flown! Where did my sweet chubby little helpless baby go? You certainly let me know each day that you are no longer completely helpless! It's hard for me to organize into a simple blog post all that you are and my thoughts on the little girl you are becoming. So I guess I'll just make a list of all the things I love about you:

your beautiful, heart-stealing smile, your silly giggle, how you laugh everytime indie does ANYthing, how you love your cousins, how you give bear hugs, and eskimo kisses, and pretty much everytime you say goodnight, how tender you say "mommy" and "daddy" as though those are the most precious words you know, how you have practically potty trained yourself, making and eating popcorn with you (and how you come running as soon as you hear me start it, dragging a chair behind you so you can help turn the crank), when you sit in my lap and let me read books to you (because i know this is soooo miserable ;), your love for books, how you are learning to read the books and say some of the right words on your own, the adventurous eater you are, that you love your sleep, listening to you singing along with Violet in the mornings, singing songs with you in the car, watching you sing songs with your baby doll (and make her do the motions), that you are really only ever fussy when you're tired, that you still like to be carried in a wrap/baby carrier, that moment when we come to get you from the nursery and your face lights up and you come running, the way you say certain words ("poppy" for potty, "bebist" for breakfast, "sups" for supper, "Ikee" "yesssss"), the joy on your face when I give you a horsey ride (or any other child for that matter) - the way you rejoice with others when they are happy, how you love to rock on your rocking horse or in any rocking chair, that you LOVE to be outside, that your first sentence was "Daddy go walk" (and how much that warmed both our hearts), when you make an elephant sound, and a bear/tiger/dinosaur/lion sound, your love for grapes (and how we have to hide them from you if we want you to eat other things first), that you still let me rock you and snuggle with you occasionally, but that you can go to sleep without having to be rocked, that God gave you to us...

I could go on and on but I think you get the point ;) You are an amazing little girl and every day I get to spend with you is more treasured than the last. Thanks for playing with me and going along with some of my crazy ideas ;)

I love you little Ada-roo!
XOXO
Mommy

Eucharisteo

This past week, on the suggestion of a trusted friend and after reading the description on Amazon, I started reading the book One Thousand Gifts. It's written by a young woman (well, not too young as she has six kids!) desperate to live her life fully, free from bitterness and anger. Just that synopsis in and of itself was enough to convince me I needed to read this book. I am just to chapter four (trying to pace myself to a chapter a day so I can really take in each chapter) and I have started my own thousand gift list. I am eager to pour out my heart in thanksgiving to God, to fully embrace the full life, the joyful life, that Christ offers. I am so tired of living in myself, so wrapped up in me me me that I miss out on Him. Writing down my list, taking time to thank God for everything, requires of me more than a simple "thanks for everything". Ann Voskamp poetically describes it as this: "I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life...life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time."


It's funny, reading this book, because Sam and I, for several months now, have been, in a very small part, doing this on our own every Sunday. After long, painful trips of fighting and bickering on our way to church, we came to realize that Satan had been using Sunday morning run-out-the-door-we're-late rides to church to get inside our heads and our marriage and we were fed up. So now, on the way to church every Sunday, we are not allowed to talk about anything, we simply take turns sharing what we are thankful for in that moment. It has been amazing and revolutionary to see how that simple game, ten minutes out of our day, changes the tone of the rest of the day. I have been more free to worship God and love my husband than ever before. So I'm so excited to see how such a seemingly simple idea, one thousand gifts, will radically change my attitude, my heart focus, and the way I interact with my family.

a few graces on my list tonight:
The ticking of the clock, it keeps me sane!
indie, cuddled up at my feet, doing her best to protect me while Sam is at work
Ada's little sighs and coos, reminding me of her life and life giving joy.
the 7am hour, as that is when Sam comes home from work, when he can come cuddle with me, before Ada will wake up.

"God is not in need of magnifying by us so small, but the reverse. It's our lives that are little and we have falsely inflated self, and in thanks we decrease and the world returns right. I say thanks and I swell with Him, and I swell the world and He stirs me, joy all afoot." Xoxo

The Night I Died

In my sinful, prideful, secret cove of my heart, I don't want to put to words the things that have been swirling inside me for almost two weeks. But I feel so compelled, almost forced, to type them. As I sat rocking my sweet daughter back to sleep, the pressure inside my body and my mind physically hurt. I have to do this. Because there is too much at stake.

Let me go back to that night, two weeks ago, when death greeted me in my dark, cold, lonely bedroom.

Sam was working third shift, so I was alone in our bed, trying my best to sleep with the pillows as a makeshift big spoon. I had finally dozed off and my mind began its nightly ritual of entertaining me from within. I was in some kind of a field/factory/ruin, surrounded by strangers, family, friends, and acquaintances. We were doing some kind of physical labor, but not necessarily disheartened about it. There was a sense of comraderie and familiarity between us all, and the mood was light. In an instant, a medium-sized piece of shrapnel blazed to the earth before us and collided with the earth in a shattering BOOM. As in any good action movie, I watched dirt and debris fly out from the spot and people jump for cover. When the moment passed, those of us unharmed stood to survey the damage - several people hurt, fewer dead. What had happened? I remember feeling (in my dream) confused and yet also relieved - life would go on. But just as I was about to return to my work, another larger piece of shrapnel rocketed through the sky and before it landed, I dropped to the ground, covered my head in my arms, and shut my eyes as tight as I could. It was in that instant that I teetered between wakefulness and this dream-turned-nightmare. In real life, I was also clenching my eyes shut. I remember thinking, no, hoping, that I would continue towards being awake. But I remained in that middle zone, watching my dream finish even while my mind was aware that I was no longer in that field. Usually, in a dream like this, I wake up right in the nick of time - right before something terrible and terminal happens. Not so in this dream. I was forced to watch myself be killed, and then approach the gates of heaven. I heard, in the most terrifying and awful voice, the words "Depart from me, I never knew you." And then BAM. I was awake. And bawling. I could not get a hold of myself. Did I really just watch myself be rejected from the court of my King?

Since that night, I have tried (sometimes consciously, othertimes without even realizing I was doing it) to put the dream out of my memory. It was just a dream, right? But no, it feels like more than just a dream. Something deep within me knows that it is more than just a dream. I have imagined what it would be like to tell someone about my dream, what their reactions might be. Maybe you might try to convince me that I was crazy and that God loves me and because I go to church or confess Christ as my savior I have nothing to worry about. Maybe you would be right. Maybe you might tell me I am right. That I should drop to my knees and do whatever it takes to make sure I will be welcomed into heaven. Maybe you would also be right. Or maybe I need to stop thinking about what *you* would say and start dwelling on what God would tell me.

I have gone to church my whole life. I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't involved in some kind of service project or ministry. From working in the church nursery, to leading Young Life, to praying with my daughter at night, my life has always revolved around some aspect of my faith. But is it enough?

I am really good at answering questions in a way that will please others. What I mean is, I have become a pro at being honest without being vulnerable. Yeah, I struggle in my faith, but everyone does at some point. Yeah, I sin, but God is gracious and forgiving. But is it enough?

I wish I could say that since my dream, my life has been radically different. That I pray unceasingly and volunteer all my free time. That I have started to care about Christ more than I care about myself and what others think of me.
But that would be a lie.

So that is why I need to write this blog. Because I need to confess to all the *yous* out there, that I have failed. I am a liar. A fraud. A hypocrite. I am lazy, selfish, and prideful. God is not the center of my life, of my heart, or of my mind. And I am on the road to death

But I am desperate to change. I am committing, here and now, to devote my waking hour to the studying of scripture, and to listening to the voice of God. I know it's so little to offer a God who is so Great. But I'm afraid if I try to do more, I will fail even worse. So I am trusting that God will go before me and convict me along the way to offer more and more until I am finally a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to Him.


Pray with me


Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Five Hundred Twenty-five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

My precious, sweet Adelaide, As you sleep peacefully in the other room, I can't push aside this nagging in my heart to write to you. Lately I have come face to face with the realization that you won't always be a little baby. Someday you will grow up and have sleepovers. You will get bigger and do algebra. You'll grow in stature, yes, but also in hurts, in failures, in loves, in successes, in years, (in miles in laughter in strife, in...) I won't always get to swing you up in my arms or give you raspberries on your belly or chase you through the living room. Every day is testimony to this one bittersweet fact: each day you are a day older. A day closer to being an independent young woman. Most of the time, it feels like forever away. But God has been quietly, intensely reminding me that one day, you'll be gone. I and your daddy have been entrusted with your life for a very brief period of time. And baby girl, I can't express to you how badly I don't want to miss out on that time. I don't want to ever look back on any moment of your life with regret. Too many things demand my attention, shout to me that they are more important. But sweet baby, at the end of the day NONE OF IT MATTERS. I'm not gonna care that the dishes were washed when I'm watching you walk out the door on your last day of high school. I'm not going to care that my facebook was updated as you put the finishing touches on your prom outfit. I'm not going to care that the floors were vaccuumed as you walk down the aisle on your last day as a (in name) Banfield. Those things will be of NO significance. So here I am this evening, promising you that I will begin praying now for a new agenda - new priorities in life. I want to be a Godly role model to you. I want you to know that I struggle each day, but that God is sovereign in my life and in my heart. I want you to believe that you can tell me anything, and that at the end of the day, NO MATTER WHAT, I will keep on loving you. In 10 minutes, when you're leaving me to go to college (at least I'm sure that's how fast it will feel)I hope we share a hug that is full of memories, of knowing that we took full advantage of our time spent together. I look forward to sharing tears, laughs, hurts, frustrations, joys, and everything in between with you. Even now, as your precious little sighs of pleasant dreams fill the air between us, I want to wrap you up and force you to stay little. But I can't do that. No matter what happens between now and then, I will seek to live in the moment, to love you as best I can through Christ, while at the same time, allowing you to grow and mature in your role as His precious and wise Princess. As God has been working in my heart and constantly reminding me: He takes care of the lilies of the fields and the birds of the air. I do not need to worry about tomorrow, about whether or not I will have "succeeded" as your mother. We may have a thousand tomorrows, or we may not have anymore tomorrows. Either way, God is enough, and He will work all things together for our good. I love you little bugaboo. You are going to change the world with your sweet spirit and tender love for others. I have no doubts- my God will be your God. Trust Him with your heart and let him lead you on an eternal journey, one full of adventure and joy and fullness. And all the while, Daddy and I will be on the sideline, praying for you, rooting for you, and soaking up every moment that God keeps our journeys as one. Sleep for now, for when you wake, I know you will move mountains. With an everlasting love, your mama