Sweet Adelaide

It has been exactly 6 months since I last blogged. Which actually surprises me. It feels like it has been about 6 years. And to be honest, I haven't *reallY* missed it. But I randomly decided to read my old posts and it made me wish I had been blogging these past 6 months, simply because it reminded me of where I've been. And sometimes, we all need a reminder of where we've been to prove that we are actually headed somewhere (whether good or bad). So here I am, hoping to ignite a passion in myself once again for blogging. (my lighter fluid seems to leak everytime I fill it up, though..)

The past 6 months have been quite full. But it's the past 2 months that have been the most interesting (and for the thousands of you that follow me so faithfully, you can probably guess why ;) Our whole "life as we know it" turned upside down and backwards as the addition of the world's cutest baby was made to our simple little family. On September 17, 2011 at 11:15 am, our hearts grew twice their size as we held (and were peed on!) by little sweet Adelaide Sophia. She has transformed everything we thought we knew about life. You always hear people say things like "just wait, it's different when it's your own kid" (esp in regards to bowel movements) and "you'll feel differently when you have your own" and "you don't know real love until you have a baby" And while I've believed most of these things to be true, I never really believed any of them to be true. Poop is poop. Worrying is for the birds. And I know real love, duh! But now that Ada (which is pronounced A-duh, rhymes with beta) is here, poop is not so bad, worrying is a constant battle, and I know a new kind of love now. I always assumed that when you have a baby, the love you already have in your heart sort of just transfers over to your baby and you can control how much of it transfers (hence why some people "stop loving" their spouses and idolize their children) But that's not how it is at all. Rather than transferring love, I have a whole new deeper capability of loving. I still love God deeply. And I still love Sam wholeheartedly. But now I have another kind of love for my beautiful baby girl. What a beautiful, incredible thing God has gifted us with in this!

And speaking of Ada, I have decided to dedicate a portion of each post to her, as sort of a letter to her now for her future self to read and remember (even though she isn't capable of storing memories long term yet!) how much her mommy loves her and the things we experience together in these early years. So feel free to forego reading it, since it's really only meant for Adelaide. Or read it and be jealous that our daughter is the world's greatest. Your choice ;)

And now, to my sweet Adelaide,

We sure have come a long way these past 2 months. It's hard to believe that the sweet little girl snuggled into her daddy's arms right now is the same little girl that snuggled into my heart that Saturday morning. You have grown and changed so much. Since I am starting this 2 months into our relationship, occasionally I'll "flashback" to moments before now that strike me as memorable and note worthy. But for now, I'll dote on all the amazing things you do. For example, this past week was our first week learning to cope with being apart - you in Ms. Donna's room at the daycare and me around the corner with my preschoolers. We had our difficult moments, times when I was feeding you and ran out of time before you ran out of milk and I had to stop you and let Ms. Donna finish (not fun to see you cry and give me that look like "why aren't you feeding me, mom??") and we've had sweet moments where I get to just snuggle you and savor every sweet smile. But overall, we survived and, dare I say, thrived! Ms. Donna said today was the best day you had all week. You slept a lot, smiled a lot, and generally seemed to enjoy yourself. Which warms this mama's heart! It's still tricky trying to figure out the whole feeding thing, since you seem to just eat whenever someone offers food and ask for it when they don't. I have a hard time trying to find the balance between being a good, concerned and proactive mother and not wanting to spoil you or become too obsessive about everything. There is a very fine line, as it turns out. But just know that in all things, we seek the very best for you and pray that your daddy and I make the best most Godly decisions for your life, and that when we don't, we have the humility to admit our mistake. You are most treasured, little one, and every moment spent with you is a gift. It's funny, in the first few weeks, you spent most of your time sleeping or eating, and when you weren't doing either of those, we were doing everything we could to try to help you sleep. But now as you get older and stay awake longer, our efforts are focused less on getting you to sleep and more on getting you to smile. I can't tell you the joy it brings to us both when you bust out in a big, toothless grin. You really are the cutest little baby ever (no offense to all the other babies reading this, I'm sure you're cute, too ;) We look forward to watching you grow and learning how to best serve you and love you. Until next time, remember that we love you very much!
XOXO

p.s. You are a fantastic little sleeper. Thank you for that :)
p.p.s. Sorry for those times I ate spicy food without thought to what it would do to your poor digestive tract!

My life as a tornado

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. Life is a whirlwind these days! We are in full swing for fundraising efforts for our St. Jude Trike-a-Thon at school. I'm not sure how I got roped into heading it up, but this is my second year doing it and again I ask myself, why did I sign up for this?? It is a lot of work and takes me out of the classroom far too much. I had a mini breakdown today after getting 5 hours of sleep and finding out that we barely made half of what we made last year at our yard sale. I know it's not my fault and I should be grateful we made anything, but I cant help but feel like I've let people down left and right. Even though I'm the last to admit it, I've overcommitted myself once again. I think I can be superwoman and do a million things at once, all on my own, and then I end up doing a million and a half things but only half way. I've spent the past two weeks trying to juggle making plans for 100 people to raise $6,000, teaching 18 five year olds and getting them ready for kindergarten, making our graduation slideshow, working at the coffee shop two nights a week, preparing for a baby (organizing and completely rearranging our whole house practically), trying to keep up my wifely duties, maintain a social life, find time to eat and sleep, and in those rare moments, breath and bask in the love of my creator. Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) I've reached the point where I am left with disappointments and regrets and all I can do now is remember my sinfulness and my desperate need for a Savior, for someone to help me pick the broken pieces up and make it through each day. For the strength of a Father who can lovingly remind me that I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ON MY OWN. It is freeing to know i am not alone.

This baby inside of me is also a reminder of how inadequate I am. I am constantly reminded of how insignificant my role in creating this child is. Nothing I can do can make her arms grow properly, her heart beat healthily, or her lungs breath sufficiently. Sure, there are precautions I can take and certain foods I can eat to aid in her development, but at the end of the day, I am not the one knitting her together. What a miracle. It blows my mind that someone can carry a life inside them and fail to be amazed to the point of complete surrender to the Holy One who ordains each heart beat. I am so humbled.

Life has a funny way of being. It can whisk you up and like a tornado sweep you through each day without you even realizing how far you've gone. And then in the next instant, slam you down and there you are, hair askew, dirty face, panting heavily and wondering what in the world just happened. And then you look around and see the mess you've made, but beyond that, the sun continuing to rise in beauty and splendor and in the midst of the devastation and destruction, you can't help but think how blessed you are to stay and watch the brilliant sunset at the end of the day with another breath and another chance.

I want to go to China.

Sam and I are watching a documentary all about China. What an incredibly interestin place with incredibly interesting people. Hopefully one day God will allow our little family to travel there. Maybe even live there!

In other news, we're having a little baby girl! She is seemingly healthy and has, according to the u/s tech, very long legs. But she cant really help that, can she? We are so excited and I have to admit, all I ever want to do these days is shop for baby girl things. We've already bought two outfits and a bunch of hair bows haha. And yes, we do have a name temporarily picked out, but we are keeping it a secret, at least for now :).

Now that I've, for the most part, stopped getting sick everyday, I have slowly gotten back into the habit of eating more than crackers and Ginger ale. Sam joked today that he was glad to see that i was finally craving things, or rather, wanting the same things I always wanted before. No strange or strong cravings here. I mostly just LOVE fruit, especially if it comes blended up with yogurt. Yum! And I still eat approx 2.8 bowls of cereal every day. And occasionally have a hankering for a carton of ice cream. :). My awesome husband also surprised me this morning with a humongous bag of pistachios from Sam's club, and boy are they good.

Well, this blog has absolutely no substance, but I am too interested in the man talking about Chinese red pandas and special k red berries to devote too much of my brain power. At least now you know what sorts of things to bring when you come visit ;)

Kids (know best how to) Play

Today I got to spend the majority of the morning watching my kids jump and run and slide and smile at Kidz Play. I love going to Kidz Play because they really just let the kids go crazy. Within minutes, most kids have drenched themselves in sweat and spent every token on the skee ball machine, barely making it up the little ramp. Usually when we take kids there, I take advantage of the free admission and lack of supervision and slide and bounce and tumble right along with the kids. What can I say, I don't like missing out on all the fun, and it's a pretty darn good workout. Unfortunately, I didn't want to risk throwing up on the slides or shaking little baby up too much, so I confined myself to the outside, to merely watching the smiling, sweaty faces. It wasn't nearly as fun and time dragged on, but it was still worth it to know that 18 kids didn't stop smiling for 2 straight hours and I will admit, nap time was pretty relaxing ;). I love kids so much. When it comes to having fun, they seem to live by the motto "life's short, play hard". When we first got to Kidz Play, they ran around and played games and spent tickets like we were gonna make them leave any minute. I just love it. And now I'm tired and The Office is on, so that's where this post will end :)

I am what they call "too blessed to be stressed" :)

Did I mention how thankful I am??? Maybe it didn't seem like it in my last two posts, but I am incredibly thankful for every breath, every ache, every laugh, every thought, every flutter. I have such a loving, God-seeking husband that strives each day to serve me in humility and love and without him, I am certain I would fall to pieces. Together we have a sweet, obedient and cuddle-loving puppy that brings us hours of entertainment. I have the great honor and privilege of teaching and learning from a group of smart, funny, energetic, silly four and five year olds that constantly remind me what Christ meant when he challenged us to have faith like a child. I also am so blessed to have not one, but two jobs, both of which I love and with coworkers and management that encourage me to work hard and do the best I possibly can. I get to make coffee and smoothies twice a week with a friend and meet all kinds of crazy people along the way. My husband also has a job that allows him the freedom to drive me to and from work in a car that we no longer have to make payments on. Together we get to disciple, love on, learn from, and hang out with some really great youth and college people who hold us accountable and keep us on our toes. We have wonderful family both down the street and around the country who care for us and offer timely advice coupled with endless memories. And here in a few months, we will receive the gift and burden (and I truly mean that in a positive sense) of caring for, instructing, and discplining another human life. God-willing, and with His unending grace and wisdom, we will get to watch our child grow up as a true disciple. But more than all that, I serve a loving God who, in his justice and mercy, did the only thing He could do, sacrifice his one and only, perfect, son so that He could spend eternity with me and those around me who call on His name.

I am so blessed.

Scattered pieces of my consciousness

The words and sentences to follow are composed of the random, hormone-induced thoughts buzzing about my mind. Take caution.

I've always had very strange dreams, but these days my dreams have the power to determine the whole course of my day, much to my chagrin. Today was a depressing day, because I spent the bulk of my night wrapped up in horrific nightmares relating to baby banfield. Not how I had hoped this week would start out. Lord, capture my mind and transform my thoughts, waking and asleep.

Today my day to day pregnancy tracker thing told me how to deal with middle of the night hunger pangs. To which I would reply: hunger pangs?? What's that? I cant remember the last time I actually felt hungry! I suppose I should count my blessings and be glad that, at least for now, there is still food for Sam to eat ;)

I hope baby banfield is a good traveler because the moment God gives us the green light to go, we will be going. To where, I don't much care. I just want so badly to go to Judea, Samaria and the ends of the earth. There are something like 6,700 people groups who have never even heard the name of Jesus. That's where I want to go. (and plus, the sooner we tell these people, the sooner Jesus can come back ;)

I have learned so much about sex trafficking these past few days and the burden on my heart for young girls to be set free, literally and figuratively, is Ever-growing. One.of these days I will dedicate a whole post to those precious girls.

Until then, Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy.

Did I mention I am inconsistent?

I actually wrote this a few weeks ago and never finished it. And try as I might, I have yet to be able to find words worthy of ending such thoughts. So I figured I'd just post it and get it over with...

It has been 2 months since I've posted on here. And what a crazy 2 months it has been. There have been several instances where I've felt the urge to post, but each time my thoughts whirl and blend to the point I can't seem to follow one from start to finish or distinguish one from the other. And that can be frustrating when trying to make sense enough of a thought to write it down in words. Thus the lack of blog posts from yours truly. But here I am, attempting the seemingly unattainable. All for the sake of progress ;)

A lot of things can go through one's head in the course of 2 months, and as I sit here trying to decide what to make this post about, all of those things that have surged through my consciousness in those 60ish days are fighting to be noticed all at once. So I apologize if these next few paragraphs show little to no order, purpose, or bear any sort of significance from one word to the next. Such is the luck of you, the crazy one who thought it would be fun to read this blog :)



I am pregnant. Which is something I never planned to or imagined I would say (and mean) for at least a couple more years. But God is sovereign and consistently likes to remind me of this. Though I am really excited and each day I get more excited, my excitement has been diminished by all these other thoughts and feelings. (disclaimer: I am not trying to throw a pity party or make you think I need consoling or cheering up or wise words. just sharing my heart is all) For a while now, God has been growing in me a heart that feels the pain of barrenness and miscarriage. Several people that are dear to my heart and special to my life have experienced and are currently experiencing the pain that comes from not being able to conceive. People that deserve to, in my opinion. And with each month that passes without the birth announcement from them I've been praying for and hoping for, my heart becomes more burdened. But now I feel a deeper burden. One that is consumed with guilt. I know when all is said and done, I really have no say over who gets pregnant and when, my own pregnancy included. But there is this feeling overwhelming my heart that I have betrayed the people I love the most. For the first several weeks of being pregnant, I had almost come to a peace with the fact that I would miscarry, because I know that I am so undeserving. I almost secretly hoped, simply because I couldn't bear the thought of having to tell those people I love so much. But here I am, almost 4 months pregnant and going strong. Don't get me wrong, in no way do I hope that this life inside me diminishes. And in no way do I regret that God has blessed me with such a gift. But given the choice between waiting another year or two so one of those in my life that have been trying so desperately could have this joy or keeping it all to myself, I would choose the first.