Pride

"As he walked, he prayed. With each step he felt gradually lighter, like a man carrying a heavy pack through a desert who decides what he once thought essential no longer is, and begins to cast aside his burden, piece by piece." Things I once thought essential but no longer are (aka burdens): Perfection Superiority Selfishness This is a working list. I am still in the middle of the desert, learning what things are worth carrying through the fires. Hard to learn when you keep telling yourself you are strong enough to carry them all. Like a dog returning to its vomit, I am.

My Mustard Seed.

You ever have one of those days where you just have to write down the events that took place? Today was one of those days. One of those days I know I’ll never forget. I won’t go into detail for the sake of keeping SOME part of my life a mystery. But I’ll say that it has been one of those days where God breaks you into a million pieces, then shows you the ugliness within the broken pieces, then leaves you begging to be broken into a million more. I spent most of the day struggling between wanting to rejoice in my own selfishness and celebrate a loved one’s sorrows. What kind of person have I become?? Not one that I’d ever want to be friends with. Here I am, struggling because I am longing for depth and substance in my relationships, yet my own heart lacks depth and compassion. I was brought to the verse in Psalms where the Psalmist is beseeching God to create in Him a clean heart. I want that. I want God to do that for me. But my heart is so hard and my spirit so poisoned that I was even struggling to find within me an ounce of genuine desire to be able to pray that prayer. Who have I become? This is not the person I imagined myself being 5 years ago. And yet, here I am. Ugly, selfish, prideful. Wanting God to break me a hundred times more, yet not really wanting anything to do with God, all at the same time. And as I’m on my knees before my husband, hiding my depravity behind humor and sarcasm, the song “Love is not a fight” comes on my Pandora station. Oh God, you care. How you care for me… I am weeping. I’ve tried so hard all day to laugh and bury my feelings of disgust in myself deep within my blackened heart. But God is steadfast in His love. He does not want to leave me this way. As hard as I fight him, it takes but one song to break me. As I weep at the feet of the man I love most on this earth, Warren Barfield singing in the background, I am wrapped up in the love my Savior lavishes upon me. In these approximately 4 minutes, my heart floods with all those things I thought had long been snuffed out. My husband embracing me, my puppy licking me, and my daughter fighting to get near to my heart, a girl can’t ask for more. There’s so much in this world that begs for our pursuit. Some of it even seems righteous. But when we leave behind the God of it all, we leave behind everything. And that is as transparently vague as I can possibly be. Christ have mercy, mea culpa.