I actually wrote this a few weeks ago and never finished it. And try as I might, I have yet to be able to find words worthy of ending such thoughts. So I figured I'd just post it and get it over with...
It has been 2 months since I've posted on here. And what a crazy 2 months it has been. There have been several instances where I've felt the urge to post, but each time my thoughts whirl and blend to the point I can't seem to follow one from start to finish or distinguish one from the other. And that can be frustrating when trying to make sense enough of a thought to write it down in words. Thus the lack of blog posts from yours truly. But here I am, attempting the seemingly unattainable. All for the sake of progress ;)
A lot of things can go through one's head in the course of 2 months, and as I sit here trying to decide what to make this post about, all of those things that have surged through my consciousness in those 60ish days are fighting to be noticed all at once. So I apologize if these next few paragraphs show little to no order, purpose, or bear any sort of significance from one word to the next. Such is the luck of you, the crazy one who thought it would be fun to read this blog :)
I am pregnant. Which is something I never planned to or imagined I would say (and mean) for at least a couple more years. But God is sovereign and consistently likes to remind me of this. Though I am really excited and each day I get more excited, my excitement has been diminished by all these other thoughts and feelings. (disclaimer: I am not trying to throw a pity party or make you think I need consoling or cheering up or wise words. just sharing my heart is all) For a while now, God has been growing in me a heart that feels the pain of barrenness and miscarriage. Several people that are dear to my heart and special to my life have experienced and are currently experiencing the pain that comes from not being able to conceive. People that deserve to, in my opinion. And with each month that passes without the birth announcement from them I've been praying for and hoping for, my heart becomes more burdened. But now I feel a deeper burden. One that is consumed with guilt. I know when all is said and done, I really have no say over who gets pregnant and when, my own pregnancy included. But there is this feeling overwhelming my heart that I have betrayed the people I love the most. For the first several weeks of being pregnant, I had almost come to a peace with the fact that I would miscarry, because I know that I am so undeserving. I almost secretly hoped, simply because I couldn't bear the thought of having to tell those people I love so much. But here I am, almost 4 months pregnant and going strong. Don't get me wrong, in no way do I hope that this life inside me diminishes. And in no way do I regret that God has blessed me with such a gift. But given the choice between waiting another year or two so one of those in my life that have been trying so desperately could have this joy or keeping it all to myself, I would choose the first.
